Friday, November 19, 2010
My blog is public and thus I should carefully guard our privacy by the stories I put on here, the goings on in our lives. I should take care for the future lest my children be embarrassed. I do try to pay attention to this. But I must say, however private this should be, I miss my husband deeply and feel it more keenly than ever before. The loneliness that I feel is one I couldn't have imagined, its different than last time. Less emotional, less frightening but somehow deeper and feels farther reaching.
I haven't had my computer for almost 2 wks. It went out 2 mornings after he left, right after he had established contact. I had to order a new charger. I have been using his old laptop and somehow saving pictures on it has stumped me so little blogging has happened. Now we are back to our regular deployment programming.
I miss him. I am in love with him. I miss the sound of his voice, the smell of his skin, the way he smells like corona and soap and sometimes smoke. The corona and soap, all of the time no matter what he has been doing, working, drinking or not. I miss this smell. I miss the way he talks, and jokes and plays with the kids. I miss his hands. They are square and strong, rough and gentle. They are perfect hands... too deep for a blog I know. But my heart aches missing him.
All the little things I do make me think of him. That or, if I manage to move one for a bit I hear my daughter wailing and find her prostrate in her floor with her favorite ratty old doll crying for daddy and missing him and angry with Tad because he insisted she find a room to wail in other than the main family room as he was using it. So then I am thinking of him again, rocking his sobbing daughter.
Oh this is hard... our life choice yes, I have been told this many times. Well you made the choice. Does that somehow make it easier? Because everyone makes their own choices, and then have trouble in some areas. But its okay to say yes I made the choice but now its a hard one. And we made it for good reasons and would make it still, yet there are parts that are unbearably hard.
We attach ourselves in ways that make it harder. The four of us do pretty much everything together, and our children spend a lot more time with their parents than their friends because they prefer us. He spends so much time with them when he is home, they lose more than some. We make this choice, and we know it makes it harder but it is what it is now and I am glad we have such a close knit family. It is all worth it for the time we spend together, and he makes up for their loss as much as possible with skype, phone calls, letters and pkgs. I appreciate this.
Tonight I miss him and it will be the same every night. But better to be with someone I love this much part of the time, than not be with him at all.